ay imp look – PTA archive

kelgrid:

prokopetz:

Alternative to the tired old wizard-with-a-sugar-daddy interpretation of the patron/warlock relationship in Dungeons & Dragons:

Clueless boss and long-suffering employee, whose powers are basically the magical equivalent of pilfering office supplies for personal use

Scheming master and duplicitous apprentice who are totally open about their loathing for each other and are keen to see who betrays whom first

Bureaucratic devil and soul-peddling diabolist with a contract a mile long, each honestly believing they’re getting the better of the other

Glowering quartermaster and loose-cannon operative, whose record for getting results just barely justifies the expense of employing them

Indifferent parent who pays their estranged offspring’s allowance like clockwork but otherwise prefers to deal with them as little as possible

Vast, slumbering god-monster and amoral parabiologist who knows which spots to poke with a stick to provoke particular autonomic responses

You forgot the most important

transhumanish:

naamahdarling:

seriousjones:

tired of hearing about how saturn is the most fuckable planet just because it has the most rings. jupiter is clearly the most fuckable planet, and trust me, i’ve already heard your “oh the great red spot is an std” jokes, and i don’t care. and btw, the logistics of fucking the rings of a planet don’t make any sense. have fun trying to put your dick through a bunch of jagged rocks and ice, you piece of shit

this is like one of the best posts i’ve seen on tumblr and let me tell you why

“tired of hearing about” posts that then go on to delineate something i have literally never heard anyone talking about are hilarious

the idea of trying to rank the planets as fuckable is absurd

huffy “i don’t care”

nitpicking the logistics of something impossible

horrible mental image

ends very angrily

The planets, in order of distance from the sun, ranked by fuckability:

Mercury: 3/10 – it’s too small, metallic, and hot, it’s just weird. Like trying to fuck a shitty marble that’s also on fire. What would you even do?

Venus: 8/10 – definitely gets a boost from being the Roman goddess of love, but it’s been a while since anyone worshipped her, so that’s fading. More importantly, Venus is beautifully bright in the skies of Earth – the only planet that’s visibly fuckable to the naked eye (with the possible exception of Mars). The murder-trifecta of acid, heat, and pressure in its atmosphere is pretty hot too, to be honest, in a yandere kind of way.

Earth: 7/10 – this may be an unpopular opinion but Earth is pretty fuckable. Definitely soft, comfortably warm, and caring, it’s got wholesome MILF energy that the rest of the solar system really lacks. The oceans and clouds suggest irresistible curves, and it’s got a juicy magnetic field, our first so far. However, the lack of novelty hurts a bit.

Mars: 4/10 – Mars is just boring: no magnetic field, shitty little rivulets of freezing brine, a pathetic, dusty little atmosphere. This is why terraforming the planet is so popular in both fiction and reality: it’s a transformation fetish writ large, and one I cannot agree more with. Terraformed Mars (to the point of human habitability outside of enclosed spaces) would get an 8/10 – like Earth’s hotter, more exciting younger sibling.

Jupiter: 10/10 – @seriousjones is right, it’s the most fuckable planet. Jupiter is your daddy, my daddy, the whole solar system’s daddy. The only reason Earth is as habitable as it is and fuck, I’m so grateful, but oh no! I have no money, whatever can I do to repay it?

Saturn: 9/10 – @seriousjones is wrong, the rings are pretty hot, but a lot of this comes from the stark beauty of the planet itself. Obviously you don’t fuck them, but you appreciate their abrasive yet tender embrace while you fuck Saturn itself. Or rather Saturn fucks you – it’s still big enough to dominate anyone but Jupiter, and you can just tell from that pale yellow colorscheme that it hold itself very highly – certainly higher than a little ant like you, so you’d better do exactly what it says. Also Titan is all slimy and that’s kinda hot.

Uranus: 6.9/10 – nice.

Neptune: 5/10 – not particularly unfuckable, but doesn’t really have anything special going for it. A bit too cold, kind of a nice atmosphere but nothing too special, relatively boring moons. I feel bad because we really don’t know that much about Neptune and there could be eminently fuckable things about it that we’re yet to discover. That air of mystery actually brings it up to the 5, but we unfortunately can’t assume anything more.

Special mentions:

Dwarf Planets: 1/10 – I’m counting Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Makemake, Eris, and any others I don’t know of here. First of all, they’re not planets, so how are they going to rank on a planetary fuckability scale? Poorly, that’s how. Small, vacuum, dust and ice, once you’ve fucked one you’ve fucked them all. Not interesting enough. Now I could rank each of them individually on an adjusted dwarf planet fuckability scale, but I don’t have time – let me just say that Ceres is the hottest.

Sol: 2/10 – the sun is actually very fuckable and would probably be a 9/10 it it weren’t so damn hot. It’s not a manageable, sexy heat like Venus, it just instantly incinerates any part of you that gets within kilometers. Good luck fucking that.

Hypothetical Planet Nine: ~7/10 – this is tough because we know very little about the planet, and maybe aren’t even sure it exists? However, that mystery is still pretty hot, and if it does exist it likely has a sexy, troubled past, possibly being ejected from the inner solar system or captured from another star. If we ever learn more about the planet I’ll revise this entry.

Note: the scale has been normalized so that the most fuckable and least fuckable things lie at 10/10 and 1/10 respectively; it does not intend to be an objective scale of fuckability. It’s quite possible that there are yet more fuckable exoplanets out there.